


com·a·tose

by skyjoos



Series: Definition of Love [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Blushy Jeremy, Canon Universe, Coma, Fluff, Hospital, If you squint you can see pining Michael, M/M, Post-Squip, hand holding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 22:57:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12309633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyjoos/pseuds/skyjoos
Summary: com·a·tose: ˈkōməˌtōs,ˈkäməˌtōs: /adjective/Of or in a state of deep unconsciousness for a prolonged or indefinite period, especially as a result of severe injury or illness.Jeremy doesn't wake up after saving the school from The Squip and Michael doesn't know how to handle his best friend's new state of living.





	com·a·tose

Michael Mell sat in the uncomfortable hospital chair, his legs stuck to the cheap plastic material the chair was made of. His head laid on the hospital bed, the thin blanket made his cheek itchy. Or maybe his face was itching from dried tears. Michael couldn’t tell anymore.

Michael moved his left arm to catch a glance at his best friend. Jeremy seemed peacefully asleep. But boy, was that the opposite from how everyone felt. Jeremy’s father was a wreck. He had finally decided to be a man for his son when the next day his only child was lying in a hospital bed, unconscious. Mr.Heere however, did continue to wear his newly bought beige khakis, in hopes the first thing Jeremy would see when he woke up would be his new and improved father trying to make things better.

If Jeremy ever woke up.

It had gotten to that point. No one knew when he would wake up or if he ever would again. When word got out around school, everyone stopped by to see him. He wasn’t treated like Rich was. Rich’s hospitalization was hyped for the purpose of his pupils gaining popularity through his pain. But Jeremy was different. Jeremy helped save the school from the Squip. It was devasting to everyone.

Christine was a little upset still about Jeremy ruining the play but she eventually understood the severity of the situation. She made her visits often, stopping by nearly every day the first week. But after that, she starting coming less and less. When Michael texted her about it, she said it was due to drama practice starting again. She was already focusing on the winter musical. Jenna, Brooke and Chloe made their rounds every few days but they too stopped coming. Rich and Jake stopped by often still. They swore they didn’t mean to show up together and met each other in the parking lot at the same exact time. But Michael knew the truth. Rumors were spreading fast about the two growing closer in the weeks that followed Rich’s wakening. Now Rich and Jake’s gay love for each other was the talk of the school and people were starting to forget Jeremy.

But not Michael.

Jeremy was best friend. Michael skipped school the entire first week of Jeremy’s hospitalization. He slowly started going back to school but he would always bike to the hospital every day after school to see Jeremy and Mr.Heere. He would talk to Mr.Heere until 10 pm, then return home. Only to repeat it the next day.

On weekends, he usually stayed the night. At first, he was scared he would get in trouble with the staff.  But soon, he learned all of their names. Nurses and doctors would greet him in the halls and considered Michael one of their own. They let him stay for days at a time without complaint. The desk secretary never even told him that visiting hours were over. Even though they all tried to make it seem like it was because Michael was a “good kid”, Michael knew that they really pitied him.

His best and only friend was in a coma and there was nothing anyone could do. Maybe they thought of their best friends and loved ones being in the same situation. Michael tried not to show his frustration in fear he wouldn’t be allowed to visit Jeremy anymore so he kept to himself. Most nights, Michael would read books out loud to Jeremy and his father.

Mr. Heere talked fondly of the many books his son loved as a boy. Michael checked out Harry Potter books to bring to read, a series Mr. Heere told him Jeremy loved growing up. They would take turns reading out loud different chapters to Jeremy until Michael would leave or Mr. Heere said it was getting too late.

Everyone in school favored Michael. For the first week. Then he was slowly forgotten about. People were still nice to him in the halls and would wave if they passed him but no one went out of their way for him anymore. Michael thought maybe everyone was afraid he’d lash out at them for saying something wrong about Jeremy.

He felt like everyone walked on egg shells around him. Michael wasn’t a violent person, but he was very anxious and when he’s feeling too many things, he does have a tendency to explode. He felt like a ticking time bomb. He wanted to explode on everyone but knew it would solve nothing. His best friend would still be in a coma and he’d still be depressed.

Even though he tried to hide his depression with jokes and smiles, he couldn’t have been more upset in his life. During those times where he would read out loud books to Jeremy, he’d laugh and say a stupid joke or ask a funny question but then he’ll remember Jeremy can’t respond. Jeremy can’t actually hear him. He’d finish a paragraph and turn to look at Jeremy’s expression. But his best friend is still lifelessly sleeping. A tube pushed deep into his throat, IVs stuck in different spots on his arm, a larger tube tugged up his stomach for food. Michael would look up and notice the numerous beeping and buzzing noises the machines they had him hooked up to made. The breathing tube made a horrible whooshing sound with every artificial breath it made Jeremy take. The IVs dripped, dripped with all the artificial nutrients it supplied Jeremy with. The feeding tube hissed as it fed artificial food to Jeremy.

Michael would stare at him for hours after that. Sometimes, he’d laugh as he remembered inside jokes and memories. Other times, he’d stay silent as he wondered how people in school remembered Jeremy. But most times had cry as he worried whether his best friend was ever going to wake up. Everyone was hopeful for Jeremy’s quick recovery in the beginning. But after that first week, that happy ending seemed too farfetched to hope for.

But Michael made himself believe it. He forced himself to hope for the best and stay optimistic. But he heard the other rumors at school, too. Most people didn’t think Jeremy would wake up at this point. Mr. Heere even had his doubts now. Michael one night was sleeping on the small couch next to Jeremy’s bed when he woke up late at night. He kept his eyes closed as he heard multiple people in the room talking. It was Jeremy’s doctor and his night time nurse and Mr. Heere. They were discussing Jeremy’s situation.

“Mr. Here, you have to entertain the thought that Jeremy might… never wake up from this,” said the nurse.

Michael couldn’t hear Mr. Heere’s response but he knew that he understood what the doctor was saying.

“Although we’re not entirely sure, there’s a possibility Jeremy has lost most brain functionality. Even if he does wake up, he will never leave live a normal life again,” the doctor stated.

Michael was shocked and hurt but he knew the truth would make its way to him eventually. Michael managed to fall asleep without anyone noticing he was awake to hear the gruesome conversation. The next morning, Michael hoped it was all a dream. But he knew deep down it wasn’t. He couldn’t face Mr. Heere without feeling guilty for days to come.

Now Michael is laying his head on his arms, staring at his best friend. His lifeless, cold best friend. Today is December 17th. Which makes it day 40 of Jeremy’s coma. 40 days without hearing his voice or seeing his eyes. 40 days of tears and halfhearted hopes. 40 days of worrying.

On day 43, Jeremy will be cut off life support.

Michael exploded on Mr. Heere the day he handed the report to him one week ago. Michael couldn’t wrap his mind around the document. He didn’t understand the language of doctors.

He tossed the paper back to Mr. Heere and promptly asked, “What the hell does DNR mean? Why are you showing me this?”

Michael now wishes he never asked him about the document. After asking the question, the look on Mr. Heere’s face said it all. His face fell flat and his shoulders dropped.

“DNR means,” Mr. Heere tried to say past tears, “It means Do Not Resuscitate, Michael.”  

Michael whipped around, his back facing the broken father. He didn’t want to believe it. All of his hopes for Jeremy had come crashing down on him at once. His world fell beneath him, the ground shook and swayed. Over a month of wishful thinking and positive attitudes. A month of holding back tears because /there was still a chance/. /Jeremy still had a chance/.

But Michael knew that the dream was over. There wasn’t going to be a happy ending to this story. He wouldn’t get to talk to his best friend again. Michael tried to choke back tears. He wanted to face Jeremy’s father like a man. He wanted to reassure him that his son would get better and wake up.

He turned around, trying to stifle any sign of sadness and despair. But when he saw the tears leaking from Mr. Heere’s eyes, he couldn’t hold back anymore. Michael collapsed on the older man, bringing him in for an embrace. The two cried for hours, knowing the true end to the story.

Michael wipes tears off his stained face in the hospital room. He hates remembering that dim night. The tone so sour and sorrow it could make any stone-faced veteran weep. Michael places his head on Jeremy’s bed again, trying his best to keep from sobbing yet again. It’s just them in the room. Mr. Heere is in the hospital worship room. Although he isn’t Catholic, the minister lets him use the room every other day to instead practice Judaism. Michael sighs, already feeling the gloomy feeling he does when sitting in the room alone.

Since the very first day, Michael hated the haunting feeling of the hospital. He can’t tell if it’s just the room or the overall hospital atmosphere. Or maybe there’s something especially depressing when the only person you’ve ever loved in your life isn’t really alive.

Michael thinks about it often. About the concept of being really /alive/.  Technically, we all are living. Most people classify being alive as having the ability to breath and eat and walk. Simple things that nonliving things can’t do. The Webster Dictionary states that being alive is to be in existence or operation. So in order to be alive, we must be existing and doing something. But Jeremy can’t do anything on his own. By most people’s definition, Jeremy is not alive. He can’t eat by himself. Or walk by himself. He can’t even breathe by himself. The machines do that for him. Then, by Webster Dictionaries definition, the machines that keep Jeremy alive are more alive than him. The machines are in operation and are existing to keep him alive.

Or rather, not alive. They just exist to keep Jeremy existing.  

Michael has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from crying again. He looks at Jeremy. At first, he thought he looked peaceful. But now all he can see is tubes and wires where there shouldn’t be. Michael thought about how peaceful he would look once everything is taken off. How truly tranquil Jeremy would look without the intrusion of IVs and feeding tubes. But without them, Michael knows Jeremy wouldn’t be able to exist anymore. They only time Michael will ever get to see Jeremy at peace again is in three days, when everything comes off and they let him slowly suffocate in his sleep.

Last night, Michael had the worst nightmare he’s ever had in his life. It was the dreaded day of December 20th, the day Jeremy was going to be taken off life support. The dream was oddly silent and reminded Michael of an old silent film. In the dream, Michael and Mr. Heere and so many nurses crowded around the small ICU room. One nurse unplugs several machines and disconnects all of the tubes. The nurses leave the room while Michael and Mr. Heere sit and wait for Jeremy’s life to end.

Just when Michael thinks it’s over, the dream world erupts into a blinding white. Michael falls to the hospital floor, when he looks up he can’t Mr. Heere anymore. A horrible ripping sound is the only thing he can hear and the blinding white is all he can see. Finally, when the chaos is over Michael pulls himself up from the floor. The hospital has faded into a black nothingness. It’s just him and Jeremy, still lying in bed, in his surreal world of emptiness.

Michael takes tentative steps on a nonexistent floor. He reaches to touch Jeremy. When Jeremy suddenly retches himself off the bed and screams. It sounded worse than the scream Jeremy cried when he broke his elbow in the 5th grade. It sounded worse than the shriek he gave the day after his mother left. It sounded worse than the howl he let out after the Mountain Dew Red deactivated his Squip. 

It sounded painful. The screech left Michael so hollow when he woke up. He cried for hours. What if Jeremy was being hurt inside his coma? What if the Squip was torturing him? Is that’s why he hasn’t woken up yet?

Michael tries not to think about it all right now. He reaches over and grabs Jeremy’s hand. He knows this could very well be the last time he’ll ever feel his best friend’s skin. He looks at his hand, so warm yet unmoving. Michael leans down, placing his hand on his face. The soft knuckles placed just under his eyebrow, Michael’s hand holding Jeremy’s so gently.

Michael starts sobbing.

Not sobbing as in a few tears dripping down his face. No, the full-blown, ugly kind of sobbing you see actors trying to fake on TV. Michael can’t hold back his anger and despair. There’s no other way to communicate his emotions. Just sobs raking through his body as he clings to Jeremy’s hand.

He’s too busy sobbing to notice a slight pull. Jeremy feels hazy and static. He feels like an old movie looks on screen. Fuzzy and muffled. The first thing is notices is the tube stuck in his throat. It’s unbearably painful and feels like it’s suffocating him. He tries pulling on his hand again to gain whosever holding its attention to help him.  Jeremy blinks way the foggy mist that clouds his vision. He sees the person holding him is Michael. He’s crying and saying something but he can’t make out what it is. He pulls harder and his hand flies back into his lap. Michael finally notices and looks up.

Jeremy tries to motion to the tube with the small amount of strength he has. He wants to cry seeing Michael like that, he feels tears build in his eyes. He whimpers around the tube as it increasingly becomes tighter in his throat as he holds back tears.

Michael jolts up and runs to the bed, pushing the small button on the side of the bed for the nurse. He can’t believe it, Jeremy’s awake and somewhat functional. He wipes away tears as Jeremy’s daytime nurses runs in. Once she sees Jeremy’s eyes, she runs out of the room. If it weren’t for the tube in his mouth, Jeremy would ask why she ran.

It takes 15 minutes for the chaos to subside. With his father called and the tubes unplugged and disconnected, Jeremiah Heere is once again a fully functional boy living amongst the rest of the world. Michael awaits Mr. Heere’s arrival sitting next to Jeremy on his bed. Michael is facing the newly awoken boy, whose eyes are glazed over with emotion and awareness.

“So, how was it? Do you … remember any dreams?” Michael asks.

Jeremy shakes his head. His eyes slowly close and reopen as he musters the strength to speak.

“No, just nightmares,” he mumbles.

“Nightmares? About what?”

“He was fighting it. Th-the Squip. He put in some kind of … shutdown mode?”

Michael’s face hardens. He had a suspicion this was the Squip’s doing. Did he physiologically torture him? He shakes his head, getting rid of the images that cross his mind thinking of Jeremy in a position like that.

“He…,” Jeremy tries to say, “He made me relive … everything. All the times Rich bullied me or when Christine rejected me or the day my mom left. It was different every day. He had access to all my memories, yeah? So he keep replaying them over and over. And every time I tried to stop it, he’d shock me.”

“Jesus, Miah,” Michael used the old nickname to emphasize the point.

He really did torture him. If he were an actual person, Michael would snap his neck. But you can’t exactly knock on Keanu Reeves door and start a fight just because a Japanese programmer used his voice and image to torture your best friend for months.

“It was worst when he made me relive abandoning you in that bathroom.”

Michael turns his head so fast, he gets whiplash.

“Jeremy, that wasn’t your fault, man. The Squip made you do that, its alr-“

“He wasn’t on.”

“What?” Michael asks.

“I said, he wasn’t on. I had him deactivated because of the booze. That was all … me. I was the one being an asshole to you. I meant to leave you, I meant to call you a loser, and I wanted you to be upset. I-I’m horrible,” Jeremy whimpers.

Jeremy turns his head away from Michael, blinking tears of anger away. Suddenly, his hand is being held. It’s Michael. He’s holding it so gently, like one might a baby or a newly picked flower.

“I’m not mad at you.”

“Like Hell you aren’t. I treated you like human garbage for a whole month. How can you not be angry?”

Jeremy’s voice cracks on the word ‘not’. Michael shrugs and bring Jeremy’s hand into his lap. The awkwardness of it all seeps in. Two best friends making amends. One just woke up from a coma where he was tortured for over a month. The other caressing his hand.

“You’re my best friend. I love you too much to be angry,” Michael finally says.

Both immediately meet eyes when he says ‘love’. Jeremy looks away first, a small amount of heat rises to his cheeks. Michael savors the moment, knowing only he can see the reaction and he probably won’t ever see Jeremy blush like that again. Jeremy can sense he’s being stared at so he takes his hand back, pushing it deep into the cotton sheets.

“Also, you just woke up from a coma. It’s a little hard to be pissed when I haven’t heard you say something in 40 days,” Michael laughs.

Jeremy laughs, too. The jittery feeling from before vanishes and it’s just him and Michael laughing like teenage boys should do. This small yet incredibly intimate moment only two best friends can really have. Going from a jumble of emotions to soothing laughter. For a moment, he can forget about the Squip and the tiredness and the hand holding, and just focus on laughing.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm absolutley obsessed with Be More Chill right now, both the book and the musical, I seriously needed to write something in the fandom or else I'd feel incomplete. I plan on doing more in the future, but for now take this half assed excuse of an angst fic.


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